International Adoption- Back to the Motherland

The decision to take our live-in granddaughter to India, the country of her origin, was made without an incredible amount of research or thought. My husband, Ron, and I often make decisions this way (although I don’t recommend it.) The planets just seemed to align, starting with an innocent comment by an adoption professional friend that “they say” that the age of ten is the best time to make the trip. After thinking it through, it rang true with us. Pre-teens are still looking at life through their parents eyes, they feel safe as long as their parents are close by, and they haven’t really processed deep thoughts yet on heavy issues such as poverty or crazy traffic. (On top of that, they are not yet worried about their makeup and clothes being the top priority.) We decided that the best way to go back, considering our circumstances, was for me to take Somi with a group.  After asking around, we found that a program called “India Ties” had a trip scheduled in two months, so we signed on. Easy, peasy, right? Let me just say that getting Somi’s passport and visa should be made into a scary movie…ending in the fact that both came by FedEx to our home at exactly the time that our flight was due to take off, two days after Christmas. I’m sure you can imagine the stress…and the relief when we were able to arrange our flights to get there in time to join the group. We were literally waiting in the driveway for the delivery truck to bring the documents.

The Ties program has offered adoption travel plans for eighteen years to sixteen different countries, so they have this stuff down. We saw the typical tourist highlights like the Taj Mahal, rickshaw rides, and elephants, along with out-of-the-way stops to see organizations that are helping India solve it’s long-standing problems of poverty, homelessness and orphan care. At one street-kid shelter about fifty homeless kids sat in rows in a small room when we entered. We were able to interact with them, but it was awkward. Until. One of them turned on the music of “Gangnum Style” and everybody- American teens and parents and Indian street gang kids all started to dance. Crazy-fun! One afternoon we all went to have saris made and then wore them out on New Year’s Eve. One evening we were matched with a middle class family and had dinner with them. Our family had a daughter Somi’s age. She was happy to practice her English by telling us all about her life, school, and future plans, including an arranged marriage. She and Somi exchanged email addresses. We saw monkeys and elephants on the streets, camels being walked along, myriads of women dressed in bright saris, people wrapped in thin blankets sleeping on the streets in the cold, and candlelight vigils protesting the treatment of women. We had amazing Indian food.

During the first four days and the last four days we were with the group and during the middle we were on our own. There were ten families of various sizes and stages, two Ties staff members and an Indian guide. One staff member was a thirty-ish Indian adoptee who has his social work degree and moved to India to start a foster care organization. He led the kids and young adults in groups designed to help them process what they were experiencing and spent downtime with them playing soccer and eating at a New Delhi McDonalds. The parents had a group as well. During the middle days of the trip, Somi and I traveled to the city of her birth in the south. Arrangements were made for us to visit the place that she spent the first four years of her life and we met with the doctor who cared for her during that time. Nothing earth-shattering happened there, but I have confidence that the experience will have a positive effect on Somi both in the present and in the future- it was well worth the investment, the stress and the time away. For now, I am happy to report that she absolutely fell in love with India and can’t wait to go back.

Holiday Stress

"Bah humbug!"
"The holidays are just for kids."
"This time of year is always so stressful."
Have you heard these comments before? Have you said these comments before? I know I have. But really, what a waste of great opportunities for attachment and fun memory making. We have to be aware of creating the atmosphere. Here are a few ideas to help make this more of a reality-

1. Set a realistic budget and stick to it. Spending more than you have sets you up for stress and frustration.

2.  Remember we parent to the emotional stage and not the chronological age. So with that in mind, are the gifts you buy your children/youth appropriate for their 'STAGE'? A question to ask yourself, "If I spend $100 on a gift and they don't have the capabilities to take care of it and it gets broken in five minutes, who is going to be upset? Will I be upset that my child couldn't care less?

3.  Carl Jung said, "Our society is psychotic with business." Psychosis has extreme emotions and unfounded fears. The holidays can get crazy with wonderful and busy activities. What is it doing tho not only your child, but you too? What would it be like to slow down? Watch a holiday show, pop popcorn, and snuggle.

Sit and make ornaments together. One of my favorite times was when my mom and I cut ornaments out of card board and painted them. Buy a gingerbread house and put it together. Play a board game.

Are you kids overstimulated by all the business?
Are you overstimulated?'

Think ouside the box! What can you do to take the stress out and the fun and connection time in?

Monica Cohu

New Training from Dr. Purvis

I love Dr. Purvis and all of the great training that comes out of TCU.  I watch as many as I can get my hands on, as many times as I can. I learn something every time and I know that putting her wisdom and research into practice in my own family has made a huge difference in the health of our relationships. Even though I admit to being a Purvis groupie, I was not prepared to be blown away by the latest release from TCU, “Attachment- Why it Matters.”   It is two dvd’s worth of information that brought the three of us in the room to tears and there were constant choruses of, “Ohhhh…” and “Wow…” You Have Got To See These DVDs!

Packed full of inspiring quotes, neurological research, and explanations by T. Berry Brazelton, Dr. Joshua Sparrow, Dr. Purvis, Dr. David Cross, and Dr Dan Siegel, this training is now my all-time favorite and I can’t wait to watch it again and share it with families I know. Here are a few things that stood out to me-

The four different types of attachment that we learn about in babies and children are the same types of attachment that stay with us through life. If we had early experiences that compromised our attachment, those same experiences flavor all of our future relationships.  The really good news about that is that we have the ability to change it in ourselves and in our kids. It takes work, intention and the courage to look within ourselves, but when we make the decision to take on our past hurts and take the responsibility to change- we can!

And not only can we change our own style of attachment and relationships, but by doing so, we automatically change our kids.  And listen- this is so cool- we are not only changing their behavior, we are changing their biology! We are actually bringing their brains into alignment with our own and actually, truly changing their brains, making them, in effect, our “biological children.” Not children we have given birth to, but children who are ours biologically through neurology that is in synch with ours.

There is a whole section on reading our kids’ cues, ruptures and repairs, and mindfulness. When we blow it and say or do something that damages our relationship with our child, we need to apologize and repair the harm. The thing is- this actually makes the relationship stronger than it was! So “mistakes are not terminal, failure to make a repair is terminal.” This is huge for me, because I sure make a lot of mistakes. Mindfulness can help us tune in to our child’s cues. According to research, a really good parent catches about 50% of their child’s cues. Being aware of what our child is communicating through behavior and subtleties is how we help them. Teaching ourselves to be calm when our child is “going primal,” is life changing.

We, at Fiesta, are so excited about this series, we ordered enough to show it throughout the state. Watch the calendar to make sure you catch it when it comes near you. I can’t wait for you to see it!

White Privilege...

Since I posted about the upcoming workshop on white privilege sponsored by the NM FIESTA project, many people have been asking (many in hushed tones) "what's that?".  I thought I would share an article by Peggy McIntosh that helped me understand the issue in a different way...



White Privilege: Unpacking the Invisible Knapsack
•Daily effects of white privilege
•Elusive and fugitive
•Earned strength, unearned power

"I was taught to see racism only in individual acts of meanness, not in invisible systems conferring dominance on my group"
by Peggy McIntosh

Through work to bring materials from women's studies into the rest of the curriculum, I have often noticed men's unwillingness to grant that they are overprivileged, even though they may grant that women are disadvantaged. They may say they will work to women's statues, in the society, the university, or the curriculum, but they can't or won't support the idea of lessening men's. Denials that amount to taboos surround the subject of advantages that men gain from women's disadvantages. These denials protect male privilege from being fully acknowledged, lessened, or ended.
Thinking through unacknowledged male privilege as a phenomenon, I realized that, since hierarchies in our society are interlocking, there was most likely a phenomenon of while privilege that was similarly denied and protected. As a white person, I realized I had been taught about racism as something that puts others at a disadvantage, but had been taught not to see one of its corollary aspects, white privilege, which puts me at an advantage.

I think whites are carefully taught not to recognize white privilege, as males are taught not to recognize male privilege. So I have begun in an untutored way to ask what it is like to have white privilege. I have come to see white privilege as an invisible package of unearned assets that I can count on cashing in each day, but about which I was "meant" to remain oblivious. White privilege is like an invisible weightless knapsack of special provisions, maps, passports, codebooks, visas, clothes, tools , and blank checks.

Describing white privilege makes one newly accountable. As we in women's studies work to reveal male privilege and ask men to give up some of their power, so one who writes about having white privilege must ask, "having described it, what will I do to lessen or end it?"
After I realized the extent to which men work from a base of unacknowledged privilege, I understood that much of their oppressiveness was unconscious. Then I remembered the frequent charges from women of color that white women whom they encounter are oppressive. I began to understand why we are just seen as oppressive, even when we don't see ourselves that way. I began to count the ways in which I enjoy unearned skin privilege and have been conditioned into oblivion about its existence.
My schooling gave me no training in seeing myself as an oppressor, as an unfairly advantaged person, or as a participant in a damaged culture. I was taught to see myself as an individual whose moral state depended on her individual moral will. My schooling followed the pattern my colleague Elizabeth Minnich has pointed out: whites are taught to think of their lives as morally neutral, normative, and average, and also ideal, so that when we work to benefit others, this is seen as work that will allow "them" to be more like "us."

Daily effects of white privilege
I decided to try to work on myself at least by identifying some of the daily effects of white privilege in my life. I have chosen those conditions that I think in my case attach somewhat more to skin-color privilege than to class, religion, ethnic status, or geographic location, though of course all these other factors are intricately intertwined. As far as I can tell, my African American coworkers, friends, and acquaintances with whom I come into daily or frequent contact in this particular time, place and time of work cannot count on most of these conditions.
1. I can if I wish arrange to be in the company of people of my race most of the time.

2. I can avoid spending time with people whom I was trained to mistrust and who have learned to mistrust my kind or me.

3. If I should need to move, I can be pretty sure of renting or purchasing housing in an area which I can afford and in which I would want to live.

4. I can be pretty sure that my neighbors in such a location will be neutral or pleasant to me.
5. I can go shopping alone most of the time, pretty well assured that I will not be followed or harassed.
6. I can turn on the television or open to the front page of the paper and see people of my race widely represented.

7. When I am told about our national heritage or about "civilization," I am shown that people of my color made it what it is.

8. I can be sure that my children will be given curricular materials that testify to the existence of their race.
9. If I want to, I can be pretty sure of finding a publisher for this piece on white privilege.
10. I can be pretty sure of having my voice heard in a group in which I am the only member of my race.
11. I can be casual about whether or not to listen to another person's voice in a group in which s/he is the only member of his/her race.

12. I can go into a music shop and count on finding the music of my race represented, into a supermarket and find the staple foods which fit with my cultural traditions, into a hairdresser's shop and find someone who can cut my hair.
13. Whether I use checks, credit cards or cash, I can count on my skin color not to work against the appearance of financial reliability.
14. I can arrange to protect my children most of the time from people who might not like them.
15. I do not have to educate my children to be aware of systemic racism for their own daily physical protection.

16. I can be pretty sure that my children's teachers and employers will tolerate them if they fit school and workplace norms; my chief worries about them do not concern others' attitudes toward their race.
17. I can talk with my mouth full and not have people put this down to my color.
18. I can swear, or dress in second hand clothes, or not answer letters, without having people attribute these choices to the bad morals, the poverty or the illiteracy of my race.
19. I can speak in public to a powerful male group without putting my race on trial.
20. I can do well in a challenging situation without being called a credit to my race.
21. I am never asked to speak for all the people of my racial group.

22. I can remain oblivious of the language and customs of persons of color who constitute the world's majority without feeling in my culture any penalty for such oblivion.
23. I can criticize our government and talk about how much I fear its policies and behavior without being seen as a cultural outsider.

24. I can be pretty sure that if I ask to talk to the "person in charge", I will be facing a person of my race.

25. If a traffic cop pulls me over or if the IRS audits my tax return, I can be sure I haven't been singled out because of my race.
26. I can easily buy posters, post-cards, picture books, greeting cards, dolls, toys and children's magazines featuring people of my race.
27. I can go home from most meetings of organizations I belong to feeling somewhat tied in, rather than isolated, out-of-place, outnumbered, unheard, held at a distance or feared.
28. I can be pretty sure that an argument with a colleague of another race is more likely to jeopardize her/his chances for advancement than to jeopardize mine.

29. I can be pretty sure that if I argue for the promotion of a person of another race, or a program centering on race, this is not likely to cost me heavily within my present setting, even if my colleagues disagree with me.

30. If I declare there is a racial issue at hand, or there isn't a racial issue at hand, my race will lend me more credibility for either position than a person of color will have.
31. I can choose to ignore developments in minority writing and minority activist programs, or disparage them, or learn from them, but in any case, I can find ways to be more or less protected from negative consequences of any of these choices.
32. My culture gives me little fear about ignoring the perspectives and powers of people of other races.

33. I am not made acutely aware that my shape, bearing or body odor will be taken as a reflection on my race.
34. I can worry about racism without being seen as self-interested or self-seeking.
35. I can take a job with an affirmative action employer without having my co-workers on the job suspect that I got it because of my race.
36. If my day, week or year is going badly, I need not ask of each negative episode or situation whether it had racial overtones.
37. I can be pretty sure of finding people who would be willing to talk with me and advise me about my next steps, professionally.
38. I can think over many options, social, political, imaginative or professional, without asking whether a person of my race would be accepted or allowed to do what I want to do.
39. I can be late to a meeting without having the lateness reflect on my race.
40. I can choose public accommodation without fearing that people of my race cannot get in or will be mistreated in the places I have chosen.
41. I can be sure that if I need legal or medical help, my race will not work against me.
42. I can arrange my activities so that I will never have to experience feelings of rejection owing to my race.
43. If I have low credibility as a leader I can be sure that my race is not the problem.
44. I can easily find academic courses and institutions which give attention only to people of my race.
45. I can expect figurative language and imagery in all of the arts to testify to experiences of my race.
46. I can chose blemish cover or bandages in "flesh" color and have them more or less match my skin.
47. I can travel alone or with my spouse without expecting embarrassment or hostility in those who deal with us.
48. I have no difficulty finding neighborhoods where people approve of our household.
49. My children are given texts and classes which implicitly support our kind of family unit and do not turn them against my choice of domestic partnership.
50. I will feel welcomed and "normal" in the usual walks of public life, institutional and social.
Elusive and fugitive
I repeatedly forgot each of the realizations on this list until I wrote it down. For me white privilege has turned out to be an elusive and fugitive subject. The pressure to avoid it is great, for in facing it I must give up the myth of meritocracy. If these things are true, this is not such a free country; one's life is not what one makes it; many doors open for certain people through no virtues of their own.
In unpacking this invisible knapsack of white privilege, I have listed conditions of daily experience that I once took for granted. Nor did I think of any of these perquisites as bad for the holder. I now think that we need a more finely differentiated taxonomy of privilege, for some of these varieties are only what one would want for everyone in a just society, and others give license to be ignorant, oblivious, arrogant, and destructive.
I see a pattern running through the matrix of white privilege, a patter of assumptions that were passed on to me as a white person. There was one main piece of cultural turf; it was my own turn, and I was among those who could control the turf. My skin color was an asset for any move I was educated to want to make. I could think of myself as belonging in major ways and of making social systems work for me. I could freely disparage, fear, neglect, or be oblivious to anything outside of the dominant cultural forms. Being of the main culture, I could also criticize it fairly freely.
In proportion as my racial group was being made confident, comfortable, and oblivious, other groups were likely being made unconfident, uncomfortable, and alienated. Whiteness protected me from many kinds of hostility, distress, and violence, which I was being subtly trained to visit, in turn, upon people of color.
For this reason, the word "privilege" now seems to me misleading. We usually think of privilege as being a favored state, whether earned or conferred by birth or luck. Yet some of the conditions I have described here work systematically to over empower certain groups. Such privilege simply confers dominance because of one's race or sex.
Earned strength, unearned power
I want, then, to distinguish between earned strength and unearned power conferred privilege can look like strength when it is in fact permission to escape or to dominate. But not all of the privileges on my list are inevitably damaging. Some, like the expectation that neighbors will be decent to you, or that your race will not count against you in court, should be the norm in a just society. Others, like the privilege to ignore less powerful people, distort the humanity of the holders as well as the ignored groups.
We might at least start by distinguishing between positive advantages, which we can work to spread, and negative types of advantage, which unless rejected will always reinforce our present hierarchies. For example, the feeling that one belongs within the human circle, as Native Americans say, should not be seen as privilege for a few. Ideally it is an unearned entitlement. At present, since only a few have it, it is an unearned advantage for them. This paper results from a process of coming to see that some of the power that I originally say as attendant on being a human being in the United States consisted in unearned advantage and conferred dominance.
I have met very few men who truly distressed about systemic, unearned male advantage and conferred dominance. And so one question for me and others like me is whether we will be like them, or whether we will get truly distressed, even outraged, about unearned race advantage and conferred dominance, and, if so, what we will do to lessen them. In any case, we need to do more work in identifying how they actually affect our daily lives. Many, perhaps most, of our white students in the United States think that racism doesn't affect them because they are not people of color; they do not see "whiteness" as a racial identity. In addition, since race and sex are not the only advantaging systems at work, we need similarly to examine the daily experience of having age advantage, or ethnic advantage, or physical ability, or advantage related to nationality, religion, or sexual orientation.
Difficulties and angers surrounding the task of finding parallels are many. Since racism, sexism, and heterosexism are not the same, the advantages associated with them should not be seen as the same. In addition, it is hard to disentangle aspects of unearned advantage that rest more on social class, economic class, race, religion, sex, and ethnic identity that on other factors. Still, all of the oppressions are interlocking, as the members of the Combahee River Collective pointed out in their "Black Feminist Statement" of 1977.
One factor seems clear about all of the interlocking oppressions. They take both active forms, which we can see, and embedded forms, which as a member of the dominant groups one is taught not to see. In my class and place, I did not see myself as a racist because I was taught to recognize racism only in individual acts of meanness by members of my group, never in invisible systems conferring unsought racial dominance on my group from birth.
Disapproving of the system won't be enough to change them. I was taught to think that racism could end if white individuals changed their attitude. But a "white" skin in the United States opens many doors for whites whether or not we approve of the way dominance has been conferred on us. Individual acts can palliate but cannot end, these problems.
To redesign social systems we need first to acknowledge their colossal unseen dimensions. The silences and denials surrounding privilege are the key political surrounding privilege are the key political tool here. They keep the thinking about equality or equity incomplete, protecting unearned advantage and conferred dominance by making these subject taboo. Most talk by whites about equal opportunity seems to me now to be about equal opportunity to try to get into a position of dominance while denying that systems of dominance exist.
It seems to me that obliviousness about white advantage, like obliviousness about male advantage, is kept strongly inculturated in the United States so as to maintain the myth of meritocracy, the myth that democratic choice is equally available to all. Keeping most people unaware that freedom of confident action is there for just a small number of people props up those in power and serves to keep power in the hands of the same groups that have most of it already.
Although systemic change takes many decades, there are pressing questions for me and, I imagine, for some others like me if we raise our daily consciousness on the perquisites of being light-skinned. What will we do with such knowledge? As we know from watching men, it is an open question whether we will choose to use unearned advantage, and whether we will use any of our arbitrarily awarded power to try to reconstruct power systems on a broader base.

Peggy McIntosh is associate director of the Wellesley Collage Center for Research on Women. This essay is excerpted from Working Paper 189. "White Privilege and Male Privilege: A Personal Account of Coming To See Correspondences through Work in Women's Studies" (1988), by Peggy McIntosh; available for $10.00 from the Wellesley College Center for Research on Women, Wellesley MA 02181 The working paper contains a longer list of privileges.



This excerpted essay is reprinted from the Winter 1990 issue of Independent School.

"What is BLOCKED CARE?"

Y’know how a few years back, as soon as the diagnosis “RAD” became the alphabet soup special-of-the-day, author after author decided to write a book about it? In all of the studies and theories about what is going on in a child’s brain though, little thought has gone into what happens to the parent. Until now. Attachment guru, Daniel Hughes, has just published a ground-breaking book, “Brain-Based Parenting,” that addresses this topic. Hughes is well-known in adoption circles for his deep understanding of neuroscience. (That’s “nice-speak” for, “his books are really difficult to get through, but I learn a lot if I take it slow and look up words as I go.”

In steps our own Leah Brouwers, who has studied under Dr. Hughes, and is the perfect person to arrange the information and explain it on our terms. She will be offering a workshop on October 13^th at Corrales International School in Albuquerque from 9 a.m. through 12. She will be discussing the latest research on what happens to a parent’s brain when exposed to constant chaos, stress, and dissension. “Blocked care” is the term used for the state of mind that a parent reaches where he or she is no longer able to make a healthy connection with the child due to continued upheaval in the relationship. The good news is that when we understand what is going on in the brain and body we are more able to make changes to improve it. Just as understanding our child’s neurology brings us more compassion toward them, understanding our own neurology can help us have more compassion on ourselves- and give us hope to change. We at Fiesta are so excited about this training, we are arranging to have it videotaped to offer it around the state.

To register for this class, which includes free childcare and brunch to those who rsvp, call Donna (259-8742), Monica (877-380-3595) or Carol (888-298-7562). We can’t wait to learn about this important topic with you. (And afterward, I’m sure I’ll be better equipped to read the second half of Dr. Hughes’ book.)

How Do I Tell My Kid That She's Adopted?

Maybe it happened like this- you got a call from the state asking if you would consider adopting a relative’s newborn. You have a couple of kids already and decide that you would be thrilled to have another one, so your cousin becomes your son.  Or maybe you had a foster child from an early age that led into an adoption. As your child grew, the subject just never came up. It’s as if you gave birth to this child- if feels like it to you and it does to them as well.  Things have gone along quite smoothly, the bio-parents have never contacted you and your child has fit into your family without a glitch. You haven’t felt the need to read up on adoption or contact a professional- this is just your kid- plain and simple. As your child grows, you have a nagging thought that crops up sometimes in the back of your mind, like you’re forgetting something. Your baby isn’t little anymore; she’s starting school. You still haven’t told her that she’s adopted. Before long, she is eight or nine and you’re pretty stressed about how you’re going to bring up the subject. If you’re not careful your child will be twelve or thirteen and a neighbor or uncle will “accidently” let the secret out. You’re worried that she will feel betrayed and “less than” and be mad at you for keeping it a secret all of this time. What are you going to do?

If any part of this story sounds like yours, you need to take some steps before the situation becomes a crisis.

S    Search inside yourself to see why you are uncomfortable with adoption. Do you think that it is shameful? Second-best? Are you worried that your child will be hurt by stories surrounding the beginning of her life? You need to work through these questions on your own before you can discuss them with your kid. Take a weekend or an evening away for reflection, read some adoption books, talk to another adoptive parent or Fiesta family contact to sort out your own feelings. But don’t put it off.

    
     Bring up adoption generically with your child for a few days. There are many books (available in our library or online) that incorporate adoption into the story. Make adoption language familiar. Talk about the many ways that families are formed. Go online to find pictures of families that don’t all look alike and discuss it with your child. Talk about where babies come from.

    
      Watch a movie together that has an adoption theme that you like. Some might make you cringe. (No, Travis, we are not wealthy enough to ride in a carriage through Central Park to see a Broadway Show, breaking into song along the way.) There are some good ones out there that will help jumpstart the discussion. Fiesta staff will be glad to give you suggestions if you need some to relate with your child‘s developmental level or situation.

     
      Don’t put it off any longer. Make it part of a natural conversation, not stressful or serious-scary. If your child is old enough to be upset that he or she wasn’t told earlier, apologize. We all make mistakes, you should have told him sooner, now it’s time to pick up the pieces and let your child know that your love is solid and has always been there, just as it will continue to be.

Beyond Consequences in Gallup

Gallup, New Mexico:  We are looking forward to the "Beyond Consequences" training DVD with Heather Forbes on September 22, from 5-8 p.m.   Come join adoptive families in Gallup! 

www.nmfiestaproject.org or check us out on the facebook page!  RSVP to bpkruis@swcp.com

‎"Year After Year We Roll with the Changes"

Sometimes when I'm around 'those other parents' who are overwhelmed by their kids’ C in math I want to scream, "You have NO IDEA what overwhelmed is all about!" Some days I'm so overwhelmed by the needs that are waiting to be met and the daily concerns for keeping everyone safe, that I sometimes I can't even make myself cry. My body needs to but my mind says "No Time For that!" I see these perfectly manicured mothers who are dragging their kids along while I'm blessed that mine are "timed-in” and safe to this overweight, sometimes-showered mom!

Now that we have many years of being an adoptive family under our belts, I've had the privilege to know that the really bad times come and that they'll come again, then they'll roll away. Last night I sat laughing/crying because I realized this yet again. Rollin’s leg was cut with a chain saw and one of our most traumatized kids saw it happen. This 'Tough' kiddo that won’t allow affection came straight in and hugged me. Sweet baby. I teased him later that it wasn't the trauma from his past that is the problem, it's the trauma that we saw with his dad! He laughed. Four months ago I lost enough vision to be considered legally blind. But as a family we are going thru it together.

The point is... we keep going. We can't stop and get stuck. We can't consider defeat and I, for one, refuse to be backed into a corner. Somedays, all I can do is to decide to roll with the changes and make sure everyone is safe! The things that overwhelmed me a few years ago I don't even feel today. Life truly is good. Monica Cohu.

“I'm glad our house isn't the only one I feel should be wearing warning signs that say ‘Family Under Construction,’ ‘Things may get loud,’ ‘Beware: High Voltage-Emotional Overload Danger!’ Sarah McCord

Upcoming Training

September 22nd we will be having a training/discussion on kids who have had past trauma complicated by other diagnosis such as autism spectrum/aspergers, ADHD, cognitive delays or other developmental disabilities. We'll be talking about sensory strategies, routines, transitions, tantrums, aggression, impulsivity, social stories, playfulness, behavior management techniques and how to respond to rude comments. Please message me your questions and be prepared to share things that have worked for you. Location will be Corrales International School In ABQ, but parents (and anyone who supports them) state-wide are welcome to attend. RSVP's required. 1-888-298-7562

Hello All!
This is Tim Martinez from Northern NM. I am the adoptive father of six, that's right, six children. I never thought I would or could be the father of such wonderful and amazing kiddos. I also never thought that I would be writing on a blog!
I wanted to chime in on this blog to touch base with other families that have adopted, that are thinking about adoption or just found this blog at three in the morning cause you couldn't sleep!
Being a parent is the toughest job out there, hands down. I only wonder what tomorrow will bring, sometimes with hesitation, sometimes with happiness, sometimes with plain old fear!
I have been through Crazy Town many times in my trek to bring up a well connected, happy, and fun to be around child. I purposely left out the adjectives: responsible,successful,and respected. I believe that if I raise my children to be well connected, happy and fun to be around, the other things will fall into place. Easy to say and a bit harder to do.
My wife is the glue that keeps everything together. She is just an awesome person! I wonder where she hides her battery pack cause she just never stops going.
Which brings me to the point of my message. WE NEED EACH OTHER!! We need our wives, we need our husbands, we need our partners. We need friends, family members, co-workers. We are human beings, and being as such we are biologically made to need other human interaction.
I am not a versed writer or have my English Lit major, as you can surely tell, however, I got behind my computer and had to try and send a message that we need to form a sense of community again, We need to help one another. When I need help with something, I call call on my wife, a neighbor, or a close friend.
Building a close friendship does not happen overnight, and we have to open up ourselves and be a bit vulnerable(which is terribly hard for most males, myself included). The rewards are worth more than rubies or gold!
So I am calling on all who read this blog from an old man up in northern NM to start forming a community based way to bring up our kids. Call a friend, family member or neighbor at start the process of building relationships and tight knit bonds that will stand strong through all the storms that families like ours go through everyday.
Lets raise some well connected, happy and fun to be around kids!
Regards,
TM

Difficult People

You know, as a parent going into the land of adoption, that you’re going to have to deal with social workers. What you find, though, may not be what you expect. Social workers are no different that other people. Some have good hearts, pure motives and an amazing ethical foundation. Some don’t. You would think that a person goes into it with one goal in mind- to help kids who are in difficult circumstances fit into the right family. Sometimes that gets lost after time and the person you see has become hard. Their idealistic idea of helping kids has gotten jaded by the situations they find themselves in every day and the bad attitudes of the people they deal with. Before you know it, the kind-hearted social worker has become disappointed, frustrated and hurt. They are not so easy to relate with. They can be demanding, critical, and hardened to the people on their team. Sometimes it’s hard to tell the difference between the “good guys” and the “bad guys” and you just have to concentrate on keeping your own attitude in check and staying true to the goal of helping kids.

You know, as a social worker going into the land of adoption, that you’re going to have to deal with adoptive parents. What you find, though, may not be what you expect. These parents are no different than other people. Some have good hearts, pure motives and an amazing ethical foundation. Some don’t. You would think that a person goes into it with one goal in mind- to help kids who are in difficult circumstances fit into the right family. Sometimes that gets lost after time and the person you see has become hard. Their idealistic idea of helping kids has gotten jaded by the situations they find themselves in every day and the bad attitudes of the people they deal with. Before you know it, the kind-hearted adoptive mom or dad has become disappointed, frustrated and hurt. They are not so easy to relate with. They can be demanding, critical, and hardened to the people on their team. Sometimes it’s hard to tell the difference between the “good guys” and the “bad guys” and you just have to concentrate on keeping your own attitude in check and staying true to the goal of helping kids.

August in Central NM...

August started of with a BANG!  We all enjoyed the Albuquerque Snack-N-Chat on the 5th, the kiddo's had fun (as usual) even though the room they usually enjoy playing in was under construction ... Thanks to our EXCELLENT child care providers everyone handled the change beautifully!

The Valencia county LaFamilia/Namaste office is perfect for FIESTA activities; we had our first Coffee-N-Chat meeting there the evening of the 10th.  We talked about all kinds of things ... we laughed at ourselves while talking about the excitement of filling our homes with "our kind of kids" ... we talked (and laughed) about our friends and families and what they think about adoption ... we also shed a tear or two during our conversation.

The Albuquerque area FIESTA families enjoyed BEYOND CONSEQUENCES training the morning of the 11th - WOW SUCH a different concept.  There is information in our lending library on this subject.  Thank you Deborah for spending your Saturday morning helping us to understand this very powerful method of parenting. 

Big, Big Family

I have thirteen kids. I can remember when I found out that I was pregnant for number 4, my husband’s jogging buddy, a psychologist, was appalled. “How can you possibly have a connected relationship with all of those kids!?” he asked. (I wonder what he would say now.) But it is a question worth asking, and is becoming controversial in some adoption circles- is it really a good thing to have such a large family, especially when some of them have a lot of issues?

All families have similarities, but things work differently in a large household. There are a lot of pluses- my kids always have someone to play with, someone to whisper with at night in their rooms; any special occasion becomes a party and we can have a full scale soccer game or basketball game when the whole family gets together; the birthday song is LOUD; there’s plenty of love to go around. And there are some challenges- my kids always have someone to argue with and blame, someone to interrupt their sleep with a bad dream or early morning chatter, a special occasion can be overwhelming, the birthday song is LOUD, and sometimes it can feel like there’s not always enough time to go around.

There are two things that I learned as a young mom that really help me make sure that no one gets less than their share of time and love. I heard the phrase, “God doesn’t love us all, He loves us each,” and I decided to make that one of my mantras. Each child needs to be appreciated as an important individual and not just as a part of the crowd. Secondly, my kids all help out- they help with the dishes, each others’ homework, feeding our zoo of pets, doing their own laundry. But the one thing that they never help me with is parenting. The fact that they have responsibilities frees my husband and I to spend the time, teach the lessons, give the hugs, and then everyone can play. It can be difficult, at times, just like any family, but well worth it. I love my crazy, busy, loud and happy houseful of characters.

By the way, many of my kids are grown and on their own. My household consists of my husband and me, a helpful college student daughter, two disabled adults and five kids. Even though they don’t all still live at home, I like to tell people I have thirteen just to see the look on their faces. It’s all part of the fun.

Upcoming Adoption Support Events in Gallup, NM

Attachment or Attunement?

Recently, Dr Alexander quoted on our fiesta Face Book page...‎"Sometimes the question is not so much of attachment, but attunement: the capacity of the parent to be emotionally in tune with the child. Many children are well attached to their parents, but the latter are too stressed or too distracted to be attuned to their kids ...." Gabor Mate, from 'What Ails Us,' The Sun, August 2012. It really rang true to me. In browsing some of my online adoption groups over the summer, I noticed several people asking, “How do I know when my child becomes attached?” or “How long does it take for a child to attach?” as if it is a one-time event. Little Sammy goes to bed on Tuesday unattached and wakes up on Wednesday securely attached. I don’t know. I see attachment as a spectrum or an on-going process over a lonnngg period of time- something that needs to be planted and watered, tended and nurtured until my child is grown and beyond. And what happens when you finally decide (or your therapist tells you) that your child has “attached?” Does that mean that you can slowly back away into your meaningful adult activities and check on your child occasionally, while she is playing video games in the other room?

I decided that I love the term, “attunement.” instead. (Quite honestly, I’ve lived in the world of adoption long enough to become quite tired of “attachment” talk.) Attunement means that I pay attention to my child’s behavior and act accordingly. This summer, one of my daughters has asked several times to have alone time with me. It’s what she needs and she been able to ask for it clearly. But when a few days or a week go by without my schedule allowing it, her behavior warns me that there will be trouble if I do not attune myself to her. Attunement means that I do not just listen to the spoken requests, or the hints of bad behavior, but even the nuances of eye contact and inflections. It requires me to be fully aware and present with each of my children to read between the lines and adjust my schedule, my tone, my expectations and my reactions to dance with my child.

lGbT get together

The LGBT get together scheduled for this Sunday the 24th is going to be re-scheduled. Please stay tuned for new date and times

Sensory Strategies to Help Your Child Regulate

Those of you who attended the state adoption conference had the pleasure of hearing the presentation about the Alert Program. This system of teaching a child to self-regulate, uses the term “heavy work” to describe activities to help a child regulate their energy level. Whether a child needs to perk up or calm down, these types of activities can be instrumental in getting them to “just right.” As explained in the book, "The Out-of-Sync Child", this idea is based on the proprioceptive sense.

The proprioceptive sense took some time for me to understand. I finally got it, I think, not from the definition or explanation, but from the list of activities in this category. Proprioception has to do with feeling something happening in one’s joints. Pushing, pulling, lifting, chewing, and deep pressure all fit this category. If your child has poor body-awareness or muscle control, she needs help in this area. If your child bumps into things or seems “klutzy,” falls into chairs, or is slow in learning how to ride a bike or shoot a basket, proprioception is probably the problem. This sense, along with tactile, can even effect eating- a variable often over-looked. Sensory problems are common in our kids because during the development of their brains, trauma (staying alive) took the priority, and the other, “unnecessary” tasks, especially the sense of touch and body-awareness, were neglected. The thing is, even if your child has no issues with these things and seems fine, proprioceptive activites are still beneficial in regulating energy levels. And this huge for our kids.

The companion book, “The Out-of-Sync Child has Fun,” describes many activities to meet this sensory need. I’m just going to pick some and list them here. As a disclaimer, make sure these activities are supervised and safe.

1. * Take a thick rope, 7 or 8 yards long and park your car on top of it. The child can try to pull it out. Or hold one end of the rope while standing still and have your child lie on the floor holding the other end. He can try to get to you by pulling the rope hand over hand. (To add an attachment component see if he can play the no-blinking game at the same time or reward him with a silly kiss when he reaches you, or let him put a sticker on your face) Or make knots in the rope and play tug-of-war. Or make it into a circle and jump in and out of it.

2. *Fill two-liter bottles with water and then add food coloring or glitter, or small objects. Glue the tops on. Shake. Tip back and forth. Carry in hands, pull in a wagon, push with a stick, kick or bury.

3. *Crash onto a pile of pillows or beanbag chair.

4. *Get a section of log and let your child hammer nails into it. If this is too difficult, use golf tees and stiff foam. Get a piece of wood and hammer a nail design or name into it.

5. * Place heavy food items around the house and have your child “shop” for them, placing each one in a big plastic tub or bucket and pushing it from room to room. Try using books, bags of rice or beans, or your filled two-liter bottles.

6. * “Oh my gosh! The wall is falling down! Help me push it back up!” Stand against the wall and push with all your might holding your hands up high, or down low, or use your hips, your knees or your shoulder.

7. *Carry buckets to water plants. Rearrange the furniture. Have pillow fights. Chew beef jerky. Sit your child on the washer during the agitation and spin cycle while standing close by. Help in the garden. Wrap up tight in a blanket.

Making these kinds of activities a regular part of your child’s day can help her keep in a calm, alert state before a problem arises or help veer away from a melt-down if you can catch it early enough. Googling “proprioceptive activities for kids” can give a hundreds of ideas. Sensory activities can also add that component of “fun” into your day. Helping my child's state of awareness reach it's perfect level, helping him become successful, re-programming those pesky neurological pathways and have fun doing it? What could be better than that?

Mother's Day Celebration in Gallup

Saturday, May 12


Mother’s Day Special!

Fiesta wants to treat all Moms!

Mom, dads & kids will meet at

Indian Hills Elementary at 3 p.m. - Gallup, NM - Region I

The dads & kids will meet in the cafeteria for snacks & to do some special things for the moms & to play on the playground from 3-5 p.m.



The moms will go to Camielle's Sidewalk Cafe together for coffee and dessert and for time to talk with each other.

Around 4:45 pm the moms will go back to Indian Hills to meet up with the dads and kids.

Please RSVP by Monday, May 7th with number of people from your family attending so that we will know how to plan!



Thank you,

Brian & Sheila Kruis

Fiesta Family Contacts

Region I - Gallup

505-488-8697

bpkruis@yahoo.com

Las Cruces LGBT family activity picnic THIS SUNDAY

Hello everyone,  we just want to remind everyone that the LGBT group will be having a picnic on Sunday from 11-2 at Apodaca Park.  We will provide the hamburger and hot dogs, please bring a side dish to share with our other families.  There is a playground for the kids and the adults will have some adult talk time.  Bring a lawn chair or blankets...there are some picnic tables and we hope to get a space big enough to accomodate that.  On Saturday night, Gayle and Sue will be getting into town and staying at a local hotel, and would love if anyone could drop by and keep us company for dinner at the Cattle Baron Restaurant, 790 S. Telshor.  This one is a pay your own way get together, much like our Moms and Dad's groups, but always ends up being a ton of fun.

Family Activity May 5 Cinco de Mayo Dance

Families connecting with music and dance. Come share an evening with your fellow adoptive families for snacks, music, dancing, games and more. Location: The Art Center Design College. RSVP to Sue and Gayle at 1-877-380-3597 or email Sue at sue.nachor@yahoo.com

LGBT Family weekend in Las Cruces 4/28-4/29

Join Sue and Gayle for LGBT discussion on adoptions and family dynamics and family fun time at a local park. On Saturday we will have snack and chat and Sunday is family time. Child care for the snack and chat is on a limited basis, so please RSVP soon. Sue 505-385-4771 or Gayle 505-385-4797 or email us at sue.nachor@yahoo.com or purplepetunia67@yahoo.com

This past weekend in the Southern part of the of State was ROCKIN. We had our Region 5 Family Rest and Reconnect Weekend in Las Cruses... As a family contact all I can say is AMAZING EXPERIENCE.. I am proud to be part of such a special event for adoptive families. 6 families attended this very special weekend starting on Friday the 24th with a meet and greet at the Hotel Encanto Parlor Suite complete with o'derves and great conversations, as families retreated to their private rooms for the evening; they were welcomed with special gifts that say Romance" ol time style decorative suite case design baskets filled with wine glasses, flavored sparkling ciders, chocolates, red and pink rose pedals, mints, Desert Garden boxed spices and plaques about family love and hope, all to enjoy their evening together. Saturday morning started out with a made to order breakfast at the Cafe Espana then in the San Rafael Conference area a very energetic Traci Tippett gave us a presentation on "Therapeutic Parenting 101" As Always "GREAT" very informative. In a Relaxed safe setting families were able to shared their stories of happiness, heartache,confusion and understand about their world " in Adoption" Traci answered questions and gave suggestion addressing each families situation. A 'subway' lunch was served in the Parlor Suite as the conversation continues throughout the afternoon. Breaking for some Free time the families had the opportunity to signed up for FREE 30 minutes Massage donated by two very special ladies, Elena and Constance who travel from Alamogordo to provide this FREE Service to families. Later retreating back to the Parlor Suite for Dinner and a Movie " Karin Purvis DVD "Empowering, Connecting and Correcting Principles" information , information, families were amazed with all the information they received as well being able to indulge in the relaxation they dearly needed. This is just a few of the statement the families made ;
"This weekend was much needed and appreciated!"
" Hugh efforts of support I received"
"Help me understand my own insanity and realized I wasn't alone"
"Helped me and my partner reconnect and may have even saved our relationship"
" The best weekend I have had in the past 10 years since I adopted my first child"
These are such powerful statements, knowing that I am a part of a special group the "NM FIESTA" that have brought so much support and needed connection to so many families throughout the state. I am already looking forward to providing this type of event again to families in the Southwest Region Luna, Grant, Dona Ana, Otero, Lincoln, Sierra and Socorro Counties.

Rest, Reconnect and Enjoy Some Respite

Ever feel like those darling children that you adore may be getting on your nerves just the teeniest bit? Fiesta is pleased to offer our families two different programs to help re-charge. According to Adopt US Kids, research shows that respite care reduces stress in families, decreases the risk of abuse and neglect and marital tensions and helps fend off feelings of depression and aloneness.

The Fiesta Respite Co-op started about six months ago in the Albuquerque area and is in the process of starting groups throughout the state. It is open to all adoptive parents (kinship, state, private, domestic or international) after they attend a three hour training entitled, “Respite- It’s More Than Just Packing a Bag” presented by local therapist Leah Brouwers. She addresses strategies for both the sending parent and the receiving parent, explaining ways to help a child feel safe and welcome without crossing parental lines, what to do about false accusations, and how to send a child off and welcome him back in healthy ways. After the training, the parents are added to a list of providers and are kept informed about new families through a Facebook group or by mail. Parents are encouraged to connect with other families that they think will be a good match for theirs, going on outings together, or meeting in each other’s homes. They may want to start respite with short, two or three hour stays and then increase the time, depending on the child. Parents may choose to trade respite services hour for hour, pay out-of-pocket, or decide on a barter arrangement. Trainings are scheduled for March 10^th in Roswell, March 17^th in Gallup, April 21^st in region 5, and April 27^th for region 2 in Santa Fe.

The “Rest and Reconnection” weekends are scheduled to start this winter. There will be one retreat in each of five regions across the state, serving five to seven families each. Participants, (either a couple or a single parent with a support person) will be invited to stay at a local inn for two nights of kicking back and having fun. They will have time to go out together, attend informative trainings to gain new tools for parenting hurt kids, interact with other families, have a private session with a family coach to address specific concerns, be matched with a contact who will be available after the retreat, and leave with resources and gifts that will benefit their families. Local businesses are already starting to pitch in to provide families with gift certificates. Weck’s, Hinkle Family Fun Center, Desert Gardens Chile and Spice Company, Jinja Bistro, End of the Rainbow Massage, Jimmy John’s Gourmet Sandwiches, Sports and Wellness and CSP Dance Studio have already generously offered to partner with Fiesta to help these families get a needed break.

The best part of taking a break is the ability to look at your child with new eyes. Seeing that sweet, peaceful face on the pillow, or being greeted at the door by the kids you love, feels much different after a few hours or days away. The ability to take on the challenges after being refreshed makes a big difference in the lives of parents and children alike.

If you’d like more information on the Fiesta respite program, or if you know of a business anywhere in the state that would like to donate to the R and R weekend retreats, contact Carol Gloetzner at 1-888-298-7562 or carol.gloezner@la-familia-inc.org .

Re-Calculating

Most days I start out with a to-do list. Sometimes it’s only a mental list, but I have plenty to do and goals that I need to accomplish. My children, though, are usually not aware or appreciative of my “important things to do.” Well-intentioned, I begin my day like a trip, hoping to arrive at certain destinations along the way. I need to get everybody settled into their daily routines- first stop. Next, I’ve got to walk on the treadmill for thirty minutes- second stop. I need to make three phone calls by ten in the morning- third stop. I’m just going through my day, guided by my inner GPS, hoping to get things done. Today, as I encountered one interruption after another, the phrase, “re-calculating…” kept running through my mind. I wanted to leave the house at ten to get some things done, but I had an opportunity to have a long conversation with one of my kids. Re-calculating. I mentally re-arranged the things that could wait and decided to leave at eleven. But my two home schooled kids needed help with their math and that had to take priority. Re-calculating. As the day went along, and the interruptions piled up, the to-do list didn’t seem to be shrinking. I made a lot of u-turns and changed my direction and took detours and found another route. Now that it’s evening and I have time to reflect on the day, I realize that the kid-directed detours that I took from my carefully planned schedule were the sweet parts of the day- the important parts. We may have had macaroni and cheese out of a box for supper, but the important things on my list were taken care of- the people that I care about- and the other things will just have to wait until tomorrow.

First Training Opportunity in 2012 in Gallup

Helping Students with Issues of Trauma and Attachment
by Traci Tippett, LISW

Friday, January 6, 2012

Please pick one of the sessions below:

1-4 p.m. in the GMCS Central Office Board Room
(no child care available for this session)

OR

5-8 p.m. at Indian Hills Elementary
Supper provided at 5 p.m.
Free Child Care for Adoptive & PreAdoptive Families

Professional CEU's available and/or CYFD credit hours

Please RSVP to Brian or Sheila @ 505-863-2645
by Wed. Jan. 4th at noon

HAPPY NEW YEAR - 2012

We have our first training of the year for ABQ and a new group.

"CIRCLE OF SECURITY" w/ Leah Brouwers

Saturday, January 7th, Noon to 4 pm Find out more by visiting

www.circleofsecurity.net

Lunch Provided/ Child Care up to 20.

Please RSVP to Monica @ 235-7261 or

monica.cohu@la-familia-inc.org

Mom's of Teens Group

Tuesday, January 10th, 6 to 8:30 pm

Sometimes it's hard to know the difference between

trauma behavior and hormones.

Please call Carol @ 270-6219 (no child care provided)

Our Fiesta Facebook Village

If you’re not a member of out facebook group- join! We are so excited about the way it has become a place meet with other adoptive parents, anytime, day or night. This past week, an adoptive parent posted, for the first time, about the difficulty she is having with her child. Within hours of her post , there were 12 comments, encouraging her and welcoming her to the group. Here are some of them.

“….you've found a place to call home. We understand truly what you face day in and day out...we do it, too. Here you will find support, resources, trainings, respite, and the list goes on. Both NM Fiesta and La Familia have given me validation, wisdom, experience and this list goes on, too. Welcome. Come to the trainings. Come to mom/dads monthly group. It ALL helps.”

“That you're here on this site is 1/4 of the battle. There are great resources and lots of support for adoptive parents in New Mexico, much of it available through the Fiesta Project. Post away, and good luck.”

“Yes, I ditto what the others say! If nothing else I'm a good listener and I truly think you'll get the support you need from this fantastic group especially since no-one judges. Lots of love and luck xxxx”

I hope she was blown away by the welcome and overwhelming support she received. I know I was.

The face book group has become a place to share successes and frustrating days. It’s a place to ask questions on everything from finding a good pre-school in your area, information on IEPs and ADD, to how to handle the death of a pet with a child who has experienced too much loss. People are free to share their opinions on topics such as the use of medication, video games, and eye doctors. There are book suggestions, great quotes, information on Fiesta trainings, and links to interesting studies and blogs.

Here’s a recent comment by an adoptive parent-

“I have heard it said that courage is not being fearless but rather being afraid and doing it anyway. I propose that loving our children does not mean never getting angry but choosing a loving response in spite of our anger, being patient does not mean we never get irritable but that we choose to deal with the irritation and allow our children and ourselves the space to try again. I don't know if that means anything to the rest of you but since I am still struggling with being human I thought I would post this for myself, if no one else.”

To join, go to our webpage and click on “Facebook” from the main menu. You have two options- Fiesta Group or Book Club. (Hey! While you’re at it, might as well join the Book Club, too!) When you click, it will immediately connect you to the facebook group, where you can ask to join. It is a closed group. That way, we can control who can view it. You don’t have to worry about your mother-in-law, neighbor, or high school buddy looking into a personal part of your life. If you have any trouble, call any family contact. We’d love to have you become part of our “village.”